When I Grow Up (To Be A Man)

We move through life in stages. Starting off as babies, then preteen, then teenagers, then we get to the point where we believe we are men, adults, grown ups. We begin to take responsibilities. We find jobs, if not careers. We find a special someone, we settle down, we have kids, and family pets. I've fought all of that my entire life. I didn't want to grow up, I wanted to be a Toys R Us Kid, my whole life. I wanted to play games, sit on my ass, let dirty dishes pile in the sink. I won't lie and say that I didn't think about a wife and kids. Hell, I even longed to be a father to correct the mistakes that were made around me. In my lonely world I imagined a child would show you unconditional love, at least until they could think for themselves. I was selfish. I didn't want to share my space. I was to enamored with being able to do as I pleased, go where I wanted with whomever I wanted, worry about no one other than myself. I was a man, but I wanted to worry about no one but myself.

In recent years I've found the love of my life, my wife and her kids. So I have grown. I've taken responsibility for people other than myself. I'm almost through with college, getting two BS degrees in Systems Security and Networking. I no longer want to be a toys r us kid. Now here I sit and for the first time I realize I'm an Adult, yes that's right, with a capital A. My father in law has been battling throat and lower back cancer. His chemo and radiation treatments are over, things seem in remission, but he is growing weaker and weaker. The treatments have left his throat raw, irritated and scarred. It's hard for him to eat, he's lost weight, and more recently he has been getting sick every other day or so, throwing up what little food he can get down in the first place. I worry for him and I worry for my mother in law. I would be surprised if he made it through to another Christmas. We he does leave this mortal coil it will fall to us to take care of her mother. To be the support system she will no longer have.

Talking to my father last night I learned that he was laid off from his job after 26 years, with no more than a thank you for your service but you are no longer needed. No hand shake, no contrite smile, no remorse. So now at 61 he is faced with retirement, unemployment, and an empty house. A month after Ann and I married last March, my step mother died in her sleep suddenly, no warning, just a kiss goodnight I don't feel well see you in the morning. He is not taking the loss very well, he is sad all the time and I worry now that he will be home without work he will reach depression. Now he has no income, save the unemployment. What if his retirement doesn't get approved? I'm five hours away and other than a brother and sister I am his only family. Now it will fall to us to take care of him.

Selfishly, childishly, I thought I had more time. I've never worried about anyone else, now suddenly I'm faced with having to take care or, be the support system for two other people. For the first time, I know what it feels like to truly be an adult. I was hoping to finish school, find work closer to home bringing in decent money for when these things would happen. But, time waits for no man, it's all happening now.

I don't like the pressure, but somehow I have to learn to deal with it. See, I'm sounding like an adult already.

The Furture's So Bright, I've Gotta Wear Shades.....

I've considered doing a BLOG for a while now since my wrestling blog has gone by the wayside, school takes up too much of my time to keep up with wrestling. I've considered doing a PopCultureAsylum BLOG, I've considered doing a Genealogy BLOG, in the end I've decided to just do a whatever comes to mind BLOG, because let's face it, my mind wonders. I've written my life story and the few who have read it say it's really good. I've been told that I write in a style that is both emotional and detached. I think I write in a style that's just me; oddly humorous and an analytical conundrum.

At the end of my life story I was 25, I had hit the bottom and it was a hard climb back out. I'm forty now and even though I can no longer see the bottom, there are days when I feel that it is still in easy reach. Thankfully those days are few and far between, but I'd be dishonest if I didn't admit that they were there. My first anniversary is coming up in March, but I've been with my wife for almost five years. I can say with all honesty that she has made me a better man and she has made me something I never thought I would be, a father. I may not have provided the sperm, but those three kids are mine and I would die to protect them. May your gods protect you if you hurt them. It doesn't take much to be a "father", but it does to be a dad. I think that's one of the biggest problem facing us today, we have forgot how to parent our children. In the words of Tyler Durden, we are the middle children of history, we have no great war, we have no great depression. In striving not to be our parents, to not make the mistakes we assume that they have made, we may have doomed our future. We swore not to do to our kids what our parents did to us, by doing so we have created a generation of self entitled gamers who live on Mountain Dew, Doritos, and pizza. The spend most of their lives living in front of the TV waiting for the world to be handed to them on a platter. Even in life they have a Pavlovian response to any accomplishment they achieve. They turn in a paper in class and in their mind they are wondering what phat lootz they earn for doing so. They have become trained dogs awaiting their doggie treat for learning how to shake hands. They have become a rude gaggle of children unable to socialize without comparing every conversation to the boss they killed on level 13.6. When in groups they don't recognize social norms and niceties. Alone it seems that they do, but in reality it just the fact that they spend so much time alone, they don't no how to socialize and they move through life social pariahs. In the end it's the parents fault we are so happy to now be the adult with control of the remote that we gladly leave the kids with controller in hand instead of spending time with them, or forcing them outside to socialize with actual living people instead of just voices on the other end of the headphones.

We live in a selfish, entitled world and it's no one's fault but our own.