We move through life in stages. Starting off as babies, then preteen, then teenagers, then we get to the point where we believe we are men, adults, grown ups. We begin to take responsibilities. We find jobs, if not careers. We find a special someone, we settle down, we have kids, and family pets. I've fought all of that my entire life. I didn't want to grow up, I wanted to be a Toys R Us Kid, my whole life. I wanted to play games, sit on my ass, let dirty dishes pile in the sink. I won't lie and say that I didn't think about a wife and kids. Hell, I even longed to be a father to correct the mistakes that were made around me. In my lonely world I imagined a child would show you unconditional love, at least until they could think for themselves. I was selfish. I didn't want to share my space. I was to enamored with being able to do as I pleased, go where I wanted with whomever I wanted, worry about no one other than myself. I was a man, but I wanted to worry about no one but myself.
In recent years I've found the love of my life, my wife and her kids. So I have grown. I've taken responsibility for people other than myself. I'm almost through with college, getting two BS degrees in Systems Security and Networking. I no longer want to be a toys r us kid. Now here I sit and for the first time I realize I'm an Adult, yes that's right, with a capital A. My father in law has been battling throat and lower back cancer. His chemo and radiation treatments are over, things seem in remission, but he is growing weaker and weaker. The treatments have left his throat raw, irritated and scarred. It's hard for him to eat, he's lost weight, and more recently he has been getting sick every other day or so, throwing up what little food he can get down in the first place. I worry for him and I worry for my mother in law. I would be surprised if he made it through to another Christmas. We he does leave this mortal coil it will fall to us to take care of her mother. To be the support system she will no longer have.
Talking to my father last night I learned that he was laid off from his job after 26 years, with no more than a thank you for your service but you are no longer needed. No hand shake, no contrite smile, no remorse. So now at 61 he is faced with retirement, unemployment, and an empty house. A month after Ann and I married last March, my step mother died in her sleep suddenly, no warning, just a kiss goodnight I don't feel well see you in the morning. He is not taking the loss very well, he is sad all the time and I worry now that he will be home without work he will reach depression. Now he has no income, save the unemployment. What if his retirement doesn't get approved? I'm five hours away and other than a brother and sister I am his only family. Now it will fall to us to take care of him.
Selfishly, childishly, I thought I had more time. I've never worried about anyone else, now suddenly I'm faced with having to take care or, be the support system for two other people. For the first time, I know what it feels like to truly be an adult. I was hoping to finish school, find work closer to home bringing in decent money for when these things would happen. But, time waits for no man, it's all happening now.
I don't like the pressure, but somehow I have to learn to deal with it. See, I'm sounding like an adult already.
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